This fall, I experienced one of those breathing moments. A dear friend of mine died in the Spring...a friend I had not visited with in about 3 years...and the absence of those 3 years was felt deeply. After we moved out of state and then had a new baby, her new address got lost in the shuffle and readjustments that life brought to us. Anytime I remembered to ask about her new address, I would forget what I was going to ask as soon as I got to the computer or found the phone.
So.
This spring she died.
Not knowing I ever thought of her those three years.
Not knowing I missed her so much.
Not knowing the things I was storing up to tell her.
Not knowing how much I loved her.
regret. Painful regret on my part. Regret for my neglect of our friendship. Regret over the silence from me. My heart could hardly pray about this for the pain that was there. Victor Hugo spoke about such moments, "Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees."
And, indeed, my soul was on its knees, for God answered to the pain in my heart. He gave me a gift in response to those prayers so painful...a response to pleadings I never realized I uttered until they were answered so sweetly.
When my friend Martha was a little girl, there was a print hanging in her home that was part of defining who she became. She showed me this print years ago and told me the story of how this print would occupy her childhood imaginings for hours, of how she dreamed she was the same little girl, how of all creatures God made, it would be birds she loved most and enjoyed watching for. She even designed her garden toward attracting different types of these birds. She loved their songs, their flight, their very natures. That print reminded her of the mother she missed so very much, and the provisions that God would provide for her because she knew He loved her more than these little creatures.
In life, through the grace of our Savior, she had given me so much. After her death when guilt and regret weighed heavy on my soul, she gave me a final word from her heart riding on the breath of Heaven, on the wings of His dove:
I miss you Miss Martha! I am so Thankful to her for loving me beyond the grave....and thanks be to the God of a great heart, full of mercy and grace, who allowed me to hear from her in this way. How awesome is HE?!!!?
p.s. Dear God, please let her be on my welcoming committee when You call me home!!!
